Fixing the Funnies

Warning, nerd alert...

Just about every day, for almost ten years or so, I have been reading the daily comic strips that appear in the newspaper (first in the San Diego Union-Tribune, and for a long while now the Washington Post.) For me, it's the perfect thing to read with breakfast, on the Metro, or at night in bed before going to sleep.

Wednesday's Wall Street Journal had an interesting analysis of the current state of comics pages, and the challenges editors face with regards to circulation and selection at a time when newspapers themselves are in deep trouble.

Adding to their problems, I've always felt, is that the comics pages feature so many boring and/or old strips that don't attract new readers. For every good long-running strip (e.g. "Pickles", "Baby Blues") or still-valued classic (e.g. "Peanuts"), there are easily many more terrible soap-opera comics (e.g. "Mary Worth", "Apartment 3-G") or well-past-their-prime clunkers (e.g. "Beetle Bailey", "Garfield", "B.C.")

So in the spirit of positive thinking, and on the chance that this might introduce some worthwhile strips, here are ten of my current favorites:

1. "Doonesbury" by Garry Trudeau
Though this strip debuted almost 40 years ago, it still manages to be fresh and feel "with it", while offering hilarious political satire and pop-culture commentary.
2. "Pearls Before Swine" by Stephan Pastis
Great for its lovable set of anthropomorphic animal characters, dark humor, self-awareness, and occasional satire of other comics. Its series depicting Osama bin Laden living with the Keanes' of "Famiy Circus" was priceless.
3. "Watch Your Head" by Cory Thomas
A newcomer to the Post, this has fast become a favorite of mine due to its college setting and a cast of characters easy to identify with.
4. "Lio" by Mark Tatulli
Another newcomer to the Post, this wordless comic featuring the adventures of a quirky young boy takes a little getting used to, but its (very) dark humor is hilarious.
5. "Brewster Rockit: Space Guy!" by Tim Rickard
Hilarious characters and plot-lines from yet another new comic, the strip often parodies of movies or books, or takes stabs at pop culture topics.
6. "Sherman's Lagoon" by Jim Toomey
This was always one of my favorite Sunday strips in the Post, and I was thrilled when they decided to run it daily.
7. "Single and Looking" by Matt Janz (formerly "Out of the Gene Pool")
Since this strip changed its name and focus in July, it has covered relationship humor and pop culture.
8. "Speed Bump" by Dave Coverly
There are many one panel daily comics out there, but this is the funniest and most consistent.
9. "F Minus" by Tony Carrillo
The only comic strip I regularly read that appears online only, it won an mtvU competition a couple years when the author was an undergrad.
10. "Non Sequitur" by Wiley Miller
Miller employs many different styles and the strip's traditional storylines are hit-or-miss, but its political satire and social commentary is usually terrific.

...and an honorable mention has to be made for "Foxtrot" by Bill Amend, which earlier this year ended its daily-run to become a Sunday-only strip. As I was reminded while reading my compilation Foxtrotius Maximus on the can earlier today, this is a damn good comic strip.

As to how to fix the funnies, I hope that newspaper editors can push aside worries--about costs and about the threat of receiving angry letters from senior citizens disgruntled by change--and start taking risks on adding fresh new comics. No knock on the old, "family-friendly" comics, many of which I like and/or think at least belong on the funny pages...but surely everyone can agree that "Mark Trail" and "Zippy the Pinhead" suck!

The Real World

My column in today's Diamondback shines the spotlight on my tentative first steps toward graduating and entering the real world. It's not a smooth transition for unsuspecting students like myself, who quickly find that employers aren't just waiting to hand out fat paychecks to us so that we can plan our next exotic vacation.

An excerpt from "The Real World":

If you happen to be a pre-med student, you just might be lucky enough to stay in school until you are 35. If you are choosing to go to graduate school, you must be commended because, without people like you, there would be no one to sit in Starbucks with a laptop to use the free Wi-Fi all day.

But for the rest of you soon-to-be alumni, expect to find a vastly different world out there...

In theory, the hardest part should be whether to spend your first paycheck on Redskins season tickets or a new 60-inch plasma HDTV to watch the Redskins at home. I've found, however, that getting a job isn't as easy as switching to GEICO. It takes way more than just one quick 15-minute phone call, and contrary to popular belief, it will do absolutely nothing to help you save 15 percent on auto insurance.

Employers, with an irrational need to find "qualified" and "competent" workers, require interrogations of prospective candidates. Apparently it's not enough that I've never taken steroids, financed illicit dog fights or attempted to enrich uranium for purposes of terrorism...

Click here to read the entire column.

Kaplan Audition: The Santa Menace

Below is the text of the five minute speech I gave this evening at my audition for becoming a Kaplan SAT tutor:

Good evening, everyone. Tonight I have a slightly unusual topic to talk with you about. In the next five minutes, I am going to lay out a convincing case for why the U.S. army should invade the North Pole and overthrow its dictator, Santa Claus.

Now before we get started, let me ask you in the audience a question. How many of you all celebrate Christmas? Please raise your hand.

[Calling on audience members.] You there, do you get presents on Christmas? And you, you do too? Ok, very well.

So you probably think of this Santa fella as a benevolent, gift-giving old friend. You probably think there is no reason for us to go in and take over his operation, right? Wrong!

Allow me to present the principal reasons as to why Santa poses a threat to us.

• Santa's intelligence-gathering apparatus
  

  He knows whether every boy in the girl has been good or bad. Imagine how valuable that information could be to the people responsible for protecting our national security. We could utilize Santa's information collection tools to keep tabs on troublesome people around the world.
  
  Is Osama bin Laden planning another attack? Is the president of Iran working on a nuclear bomb? What is Kim Jong Il up to these days?
  
  We don't know. But Santa does. It's time he shared that information with us.
  

• Santa’s superior technology
  

  Two things here. One, that reindeer sled. We know that in one night, he can travel to every home in the entire world. That sled must be fast—faster than any bullet train or fighter jet we have. That kind of technology--reindeers--in the wrong hands could be terribly dangerous. It’s important that we invade the North Pole and secure control of those ridiculously fast flying reindeer.
  
  The other thing: his elves. He has enslaved a magical work force that can outproduce laborers from any economy in the world. What if those elves were to turn from making Tickle Me Elmos to Tickle Me Nuclear Weapons? They could create the largest arsenal in the world, thereby endangering all of our lives.
  
  Or, Santa could decide he wanted to become the new king of outsourcing and have all computer jobs sent to the North Pole, where his tireless elves would write machine code night and day. We can’t allow that to happen. We must liberates those elves, bringing them freedom and ensuring the job security of future young Americans.

• My third and final point: he violates national sovereignty and parents’ rights
  
  We mentioned that he travels to every home in the world via his flying sled. Well, in doing so he certainly violates the airspace and sovereign territory of the many nations in this world that have not given him permission to do so. Who knows, he could be flying over classified military establishments or spying on important trade secrets.
  
  Not only that, but who appointed Santa the great arbiter of whether a child has been good or bad? Who made him the incentive for children to behave or not behave? Shouldn’t that be the responsibility of parents, who should decide for themselves whether or not their child has been good, and not leave that decision up to Santa? And shouldn’t children behave well out of an acknowledgment of the proper functioning of society’s rules rather than out of hopes of getting an iPod or new bicycle from that pervert Santa?
  
  I sure think so!

That is why I have taken the time to make this presentation to you, because the truth matters. I hope you have found my speech enlightening. Go home and discuss this matter with your friends and family, because this grave problem cannot be ignored much longer.

Thank you very much.

* * *

I guess it worked out fine, because I got hired!

Happy New Year!

The best part about every New Year's, I think, is the chance to read Dave Barry's always hilarious "Year in Review" where he pokes fun at the good, the bad, and the ugly from the past twelve months. For example, in his look back at 2005, he had this to say about filling the Supreme Court vacancy:

President Bush, needing to make another appointment to the Supreme Court, conducts a thorough and painstaking investigation of every single female lawyer within an eight-foot radius of his desk. He concludes that the best person for the job is White House counsel Harriet Miers, who, in the tradition of such legendary justices as Felix Frankfurter, Louis Brandeis and Oliver Wendell Holmes, is a carbon-based life-form.

The nomination immediately runs into trouble when Miers, though reportedly a nice churchgoing person and a good bowler, turns out to be not such an expert on constitutional law, at one point expressing the view that the Fourth Amendment requires restaurant employees to wash their hands after using the restroom. (In fact, it is the Seventh Amendment.) Ultimately Miers withdraws her name. The president, after conducting another exhaustive search, decides to appoint "John Roberts" again, because it worked out so well the first time. Informed by his aides that there could be some legal problem with this tactic, the president finally decides to nominate Samuel Alito. Democrats immediately announce that they strongly oppose Alito and intend to do some research to find out why.

Read the whole thing here, nobody does it better than Dave. Happy New Year everyone, may 2006 be your best yet!

Ask Sistani

If you're in the mood for a little late night humor, click on over to the website of Iraq's supreme religious authority, the Grand Ayatollah Ali al-Sistani. The most enjoyable reading comes from the "Q&A" section, which appears to be an advice column published by the Ayatollah based on questions written to him. (Think "Dear Abby" with some Shi'a 'tude.) There, you can find out about the types of problems that ordinary Iraqis write to him about. The ever-helpful Sistani is ready to dispense invaluable bits of advice, including the following:

• playing chess is "absolutely forbidden"
• shaking hands with girls is "not permissible"
• listening to music for fun is unlawful
• plastic surgey is OK
• ditto for polygamy

Enjoy! Hat tip to Bill Maher.