Kaplan Audition: The Santa Menace

Below is the text of the five minute speech I gave this evening at my audition for becoming a Kaplan SAT tutor:

Good evening, everyone. Tonight I have a slightly unusual topic to talk with you about. In the next five minutes, I am going to lay out a convincing case for why the U.S. army should invade the North Pole and overthrow its dictator, Santa Claus.

Now before we get started, let me ask you in the audience a question. How many of you all celebrate Christmas? Please raise your hand.

[Calling on audience members.] You there, do you get presents on Christmas? And you, you do too? Ok, very well.

So you probably think of this Santa fella as a benevolent, gift-giving old friend. You probably think there is no reason for us to go in and take over his operation, right? Wrong!

Allow me to present the principal reasons as to why Santa poses a threat to us.

• Santa's intelligence-gathering apparatus
  

  He knows whether every boy in the girl has been good or bad. Imagine how valuable that information could be to the people responsible for protecting our national security. We could utilize Santa's information collection tools to keep tabs on troublesome people around the world.
  
  Is Osama bin Laden planning another attack? Is the president of Iran working on a nuclear bomb? What is Kim Jong Il up to these days?
  
  We don't know. But Santa does. It's time he shared that information with us.
  

• Santa’s superior technology
  

  Two things here. One, that reindeer sled. We know that in one night, he can travel to every home in the entire world. That sled must be fast—faster than any bullet train or fighter jet we have. That kind of technology--reindeers--in the wrong hands could be terribly dangerous. It’s important that we invade the North Pole and secure control of those ridiculously fast flying reindeer.
  
  The other thing: his elves. He has enslaved a magical work force that can outproduce laborers from any economy in the world. What if those elves were to turn from making Tickle Me Elmos to Tickle Me Nuclear Weapons? They could create the largest arsenal in the world, thereby endangering all of our lives.
  
  Or, Santa could decide he wanted to become the new king of outsourcing and have all computer jobs sent to the North Pole, where his tireless elves would write machine code night and day. We can’t allow that to happen. We must liberates those elves, bringing them freedom and ensuring the job security of future young Americans.

• My third and final point: he violates national sovereignty and parents’ rights
  
  We mentioned that he travels to every home in the world via his flying sled. Well, in doing so he certainly violates the airspace and sovereign territory of the many nations in this world that have not given him permission to do so. Who knows, he could be flying over classified military establishments or spying on important trade secrets.
  
  Not only that, but who appointed Santa the great arbiter of whether a child has been good or bad? Who made him the incentive for children to behave or not behave? Shouldn’t that be the responsibility of parents, who should decide for themselves whether or not their child has been good, and not leave that decision up to Santa? And shouldn’t children behave well out of an acknowledgment of the proper functioning of society’s rules rather than out of hopes of getting an iPod or new bicycle from that pervert Santa?
  
  I sure think so!

That is why I have taken the time to make this presentation to you, because the truth matters. I hope you have found my speech enlightening. Go home and discuss this matter with your friends and family, because this grave problem cannot be ignored much longer.

Thank you very much.

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I guess it worked out fine, because I got hired!